Too Fast

Well, here it is Sunday night. The weekend is already over, and it feels like it never started. I tried to get lots of sleep, which I definitely needed, but it never happened. Friday night I was up most of the night, with a charlie horse in my calf, going pee, thirsty, too hot....etc. etc. Saturday night I woke up around 3am feeling like crap, killer sore throat, headache, just overall crappiness. I spent most of today lying on my couch feeling miserable for myself.

I must admit I'm not doing okay with this whole Matt thing. I'm great at pretending, no one knows anything is wrong with me unless they really know me well. Well, I'm not alright, I'm admitting it. I have my moments of alrightness, but they don't seem to last long. I wake up some nights in a panic attack, feeling like I can't breathe. Other days I cry at random moments. Pretty much anything and everything could cause me to cry. I do well at school, it keeps my mind occupied. But being home alone most nights gives me too much time to think. My family and best friends have been awesome at caring and trying to keep me busy and occupied. But sometimes it's just not enough. I don't know what I need most days and would rather sleep all day so I'm not given the option of thinking or dealing with day to day goings on. I'd rather be numb then feel most of this pain.